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Issue 002
May 1998

Issue 002
Our first 'real' issue!

Microsoft Bundles Coke with Windows 98
Microsoft flips position on controversal cola debate.

The Beautiful Game
It only happens once every four years. It makes the Olympics seem like a child's talent show. What is it? It's World Cup 98!

Bethany College to Be First Educational Institution in Space
The college on the move gets ready to make another.

Havoc Publisher Buys Expensive Car
Jealous staff members express dismay at ostentatious purchase.

The Boy Who Refused to Go to the Bathroom
A Story for Rebellious Children

Where Are Today's Heroes?
In a society that values flash over substance, what does that tell the next generation?




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The Boy Who Refused to Go to the Bathroom

What the Critics Say...

"A unbiased work of sheer genius . . . ."
, Editor of The Wreakly Havoc

"A must for young children."
Dr. Sally N. Sane, Children's Literature, DuPunk University

"Hmmm. I'm not sure what to say. My children love it."
Frank Wavering, Pres. of Undecided Americans

"I love this!"
C. L. Zelinenzeraxsky

"I guess this is OK. I only read an excerpt myself. I'm just writing this so Mr. Zeedar will endorse my next book."
R. Serling, Famous Author

"An invaluable waste of time."
Art Random, Editor of the Oxymoron Weekly


Once there was a little boy named Jonnie.
Jonnie was a good boy.
Jonnie did what his Mother and Father said.

Jonnie had a puppy.
Jonnie's puppy was named Pooper.
Jonnie trained Pooper to be a good dog.
Pooper did what Jonnie said.
Jonnie would take Pooper for a walk every day.

One blue day Jonnie decided something.
Jonnie told his Mother and Father.
Jonnie told them he would never to go to the bathroom again.

Jonnie's Mother and Father were very quiet.
They looked at each other.
They looked at Jonnie.
They began to laugh.
They laughed and laughed.
They couldn't stop laughing.
Jonnie thought they were going to laugh forever.
But they finally stopped.
(After all, nothing laughs forever.)

Then Jonnie's Mother told him it was bedtime.
"There's a time for everything," she said.
So Jonnie went to bed because it was time.
Jonnie went to bed unhappy.
Jonnie was unhappy because his Mother and Father did not believe.
They did not believe he would do what he said.
Jonnie did not know why they did not believe.
But Jonnie knew.
Jonnie knew he would do what he said.

That night Jonnie did not wet the bed.
The next morning Jonnie did not go to the bathroom before breakfast.
Or after breakfast.
Or after lunch.
Or even after dinner.
And he did not bother to take Pooper for a walk.

No one noticed.

The next day Jonnie did not go to the bathroom.
And the day after also.
The day after that was the same.
Jonnie's Mother and Father noticed.
They began to get worried.
They asked.
They prodded.
They hollered.
They ordered.
But Jonnie wouldn't go.

They coaxed.
They pleaded.
They offered Jonnie candy.
They offered Jonnie toys.
They threatened Jonnie with terrible threats.
They threatened more.
And more.
They punished Jonnie.
But Jonnie wouldn't go.

The doctor was called.
He prodded.
He poked.
He puzzled.
He found nothing out of the ordinary.
He found nothing wrong.
He even left Jonnie's Mother and Father a big bill.
But Jonnie wouldn't go.

A specialist in such things was called.
He studied.
He stared.
He sat.
He found nothing out of place.
He called more specialists.
They examined.
They explored.
They exhausted.
But Jonnie wouldn't go.

The specialists gave Jonnie pills.
They made Jonnie drink strange drinks.
They locked Jonnie in a room.
They watched Jonnie in the room.

But Jonnie wouldn't go.

The pills made Jonnie sick.
The drinks made Jonnie thirsty.
Jonnie missed his puppy.
But Jonnie wouldn't go.

The specialists gave up and went away.
They had tried their best.
They gave it their all.
They didn't have time.
Jonnie they could not understand.

Now Jonnie's gone.
And Pooper too.
Jonnie's Mother and Father are so sad.
But the world is just as sweet.

One can'tnot
what is

Time will come and times will go.
But in the end
Jonnie really did.

The End


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