Peace talks in Ireland broke down again this week when detractors revealed they had misunderstood that "peace" meant "pieces" of the opposition.
Retired Man Wins Billion-Dollar Lottery
An elderly man living in a nearly comotose state in a Nebraska nursing home, has won the amazing billion-dollar Powerball Lottery. Frankle J. Peabody made arrangments with Willow Springs nursing home that one ticket be bought in his name every week.
He always played the same numbers -- his late wife's birthday. Receiving a lump sum payment of $500,000,000, after taxes, Peabody expects to net approximately $1.7 million. No one is sure what he will do with money, as the 97-year-old man suffers
from senility and is nearly incapable of communicating. Peabody was thought to have no living relations, but previously unknown relatives from all across the country have materialized. One woman, who says she is his daughter, visits him daily,
praying "that the Lord will take him quickly and painlessly."
Tobacco Settlement Canceld!
Congress has reportedly cancelled the proposed $10.5 trillion tobacco settlement when it was revealed that the contract was worded in such a way that the tobacco companies
would not pay for the settlement in cash but in free cigarettes and other tobacco products.
In one of the largest mergers ever, Canada has announced it is merging with the United State's General Motors Corporation. Canada will become a fully independent subsidary of G.M.
Some layoffs and deportations are expected, but General Motors promises to "keep them to a minimum." Wall Street reacted with enthusiasm to the news, especially when it was
revealed that G.M. vehicles will be the only ones allowed in Canada beginning next month. Owners of other brand vehicles are expected to purchase a G.M. car or truck within 60 days or
face severe tax penalties.
Secret Service Must Testify
In a blow to President Clinton, a federal judge today ruled that Secret Service members are required to testify against him in the Monica Lewinsky affair being prosecuted by independent counsel Kenneth Starr.
"The President is not above anyone else," the judge wrote. "The secret service must testify. If they have nothing to say, they must make something up or face contempt of court charges."
New Drug Rating System Announced
Owing to the amazing popularity of impotence curve Viagra, a consortium of drug manufacturers have announced plans for a national drug rating system similar to the Nielson Research rating system for television
shows. "People want whatever's popular," said one drug maker. "This way they will be able to turn to a page in the New York Times and see if their drug of choice has made the top ten." Drug makers expect
the new system to boot sales by 400% in the first year.
Godzilla Asking for Pay Increase
Hollywood's in a quandry this week as another huge star is asking for an unprecedented $100 million for her next movie. Fourteen movie executives initially refused the demand, but after Godzilla went on an L.A. stomping
spree, executives quickly convened an emergency conference. Godzilla is certainly one of Hollywood's biggest and most recognizable stars, and she feels her talents are well worth the money. Officials are still
negotiating, but experts feel Godzilla has the upper hand. "She's got them right where she wants them," commented one agent. "Her movie's huge, she's huge, and the money is huge. This could send contracts into the
Teachers Gunning for Students?
From the unbelievable but true file:
Georgia State Rep. Mitchell Kaye is planning on introducing legistation next year to allow teachers to carry guns to school. See more at CNN: http://cnn.com/US/9805/21/teacher.guns/
Satellite Sold to China
Officials now reveal that recent satellite problems -- leaving millions of Americans pagerless for several days -- were not caused by technological problems but human error. Apparently the satellite was accidently sold to
China after President Clinton signed an agreement permitting a U.S. satellite manufacturer to sell to China. "It was a foolishing accounting mistake," commented a representative of the company.
"We didn't realize we'd sold the satellite until it went off the air." China wants millions of dollars to reactivate the satellite and refuses to sell it back to the U.S.
"Seinfeld" Not Cancelled After All
In an unexpected move, NBC today announced that it's crown jewel, the hit TV show "Seinfeld," has not ended. "It was just a publicity stunt," commented one producer. "Seinfeld will be back next season just as we'd planned
all along. We were really surprised people believed Jerry would give up the $20 million per episode he'll earn next year so we went along with it." The supposedly "final" Seinfeld aired last week for huge 58 share and brought
NBC a win for the May "sweeps" rating season.